


Sonata

by BeeAnka



Series: Sing Me A Song Of Despair [4]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 13:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12632400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeAnka/pseuds/BeeAnka
Summary: Mukuro receives help from a few unlikely people, then comes to a realization about herself.





	Sonata

**Author's Note:**

> My girlfriend drew fanart (it's my favorite yet!) of the roof scene in the last chapter: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/167058580446
> 
> Wow, these chapters just keeping getting longer for some reason. I'm not even intending for them to get this long, honest!

* * *

 

It's not long before classes start, but Mukuro can't leave before she has made sure her plans are flawless for today. It's Junko who has always been the one good at planning things and she can't possibly compare to that, but Mukuro still thinks she will manage to do a passable job today. Her first lunch with Sayaka must not be a disaster.

Step One? Bringing food that won't make her look disgusting. Step Two? Not getting into trouble and risk having her lunch break taken away. Step Three? Telling Naegi that he can't be there for her first lunch ever with Sayaka. Step Four? Sitting down somewhere nice on the roof. Step Zero? Hoping her sister doesn't get into one of her moods.

As far as plans go, this one seems unreliable. Too many things can go wrong... It's about the best she has though, so it will have to do. It's not like having a nice lunch break should really require a complicated plan.

Sighing, Mukuro sits down on her bed. She feels anxious about today, but happy as well. It's kind of ridiculous, at this point spending lunch together doesn't seem like a big deal for the two of them.

Then why does she feel so giddy? Maybe because...

It's stupid. She's probably utterly wrong, but it really seems like...

The longer Mukuro thinks about it, the more it seems like Sayaka wanted to kiss her on that roof yesterday afternoon. Is she just deluding herself? Possibly, but it just seems so obvious in hindsight. The look in those blue eyes, the half-whispered words, and Sayaka touching her hand... it just doesn't feel like it was platonic.

Can it be that she merely wants to see her own feelings reflected in Sayaka's actions? Is she just projecting? That might be the case.

It's a fact that Sayaka is too good to have feelings for someone like her, but it's also a fact that people sometimes feel affection for those who don't deserve it. It would be foolish to deny that Sayaka having feelings for her too is a possibility. And it's not like the idol knows about her true colors...

Mukuro shakes her head. This is not something she wants to think about right now. She should really be leaving for class anyway.

But before she leaves her room to go to class, she looks at the text messages she received yesterday evening again.

 **Sayaka-chan:** hey mukuro-san! just wanted to say that today was great and i love hanging out with you. also maybe im just using that as an excuse to text you ^_^

 **Mukuro:** You can text me whenever you want, Sayaka-san. I really like spending time with you too.

 **Sayaka-chan:** ohh i should have known youre one of those people who write perfectly. now im feeling inadequate D:

 **Mukuro:** sorry, should i write like this

 **Sayaka-chan:** no the way you write is cool! it fits you! im just kidding around :D

 **Mukuro:** Your writing fits you too. I like it.

 **Sayaka-chan:** better get used to seeing it. i love texting as much as teasing you  >:D

 **Mukuro:** You must like it a lot then. I'm looking forward to it.

 **Mukuro:** : )

 **Sayaka-chan:** :D

Face burning, yet smiling, Mukuro exits the conversation on her phone and presses her face into her pillow. Sending that emoticon felt embarrassing, but the message might have sounded too dry without it, and she wanted to express some of her happiness too. Besides, Sayaka seemed to have liked it.

They've sent each other more messages since then, but there is no time to look at them unless she wants to be late. And Step Two says she can't risk getting into trouble, though it's admittedly unlikely that the teacher would take her lunch break away just for that. She doesn't want detention either however, so she breaks into a brisk walk after leaving her room.

Sayaka is talking to Asahina when Mukuro enters the room. The smile on Sayaka's face gets a little brighter when she sees her. She winks, and Mukuro, smiling as well, gives a little wave before walking to her seat.

"Good morning." She greets a sleepy looking Naegi. The sleepiness is gone in an instant, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree instead.

"Good morning, Ikusaba-san!" Naegi greets back, not at all sounding like a student before an hour of mathematics.

Does he look so happy because yesterday wasn't just a fluke and he has just figured out she will in fact not ignore him from now on? She wonders why he would even care -- yesterday was a catastrophe in every way. He'd be well within his rights to never speak to her again, but she supposes he's too nice for that. "Did you sleep well?" Mukuro asks, mostly because she feels a little bad for him.

Naegi scratches his cheek. "Not really. I guess I stayed up too late browsing the internet."

That word makes Mukuro frown, and she thinks back to a more unpleasant point during yesterday's evening when she checked her Yahoo Answers account. "Never put your faith in the internet when you want help." She advises, but is really talking more to herself than him.

"Uh... I'll keep that in mind." Naegi says, confused, but then appears to realize what she is referencing and looks at her with sympathy. "The search didn't go that well?"

"It was mostly people making fun of me." Mukuro says. Well... that and people, dumb teenage boys probably, asking if the girl she has a crush on is "hot". And if her sister is "hot". Also if she is "hot" herself.

"I'm sorry it didn't help. But," he pulls something out of his school bag, or at least tries to. "Uh, wait, did I take it- yeah!" Naegi takes out a folded piece of paper and holds it up in triumph. He leans in and says a bit more quietly: "It's about your search. I talked to Kirigiri-san yesterday and she said she knows two people who you could talk to."

Mukuro blinks, a little taken aback. Her eyes wander into Kirigiri's direction. The girl in question is sitting two rows in front with her back turned, seemingly going over her notes. She looks at Naegi again. "You talked to her about that? Why?"

"It's just... I thought you'd be too uncomfortable asking her yourself, so I did it in your place." Naegi explains. "She said she wrote two names on there. I hope they can help you."

Mukuro takes the piece of paper out of Naegi's hand. "Why didn't she just tell you?" She asks.

Naegi scratches his cheek, a gesture that she's associating with sheepishness by now. "It feels rude to know something they probably wouldn't want me to know, so I asked Kirigiri-san to write it down and fold the paper so I could give it to you. I felt a little bad asking at all, but you need help." His eyes flash in alarm and he clumsily adds: "N-Not that I mentioned you by name, I just said I wanted to know for a friend."

Mukuro nods. She decides that she believes him. Reading the two names written there, she folds the piece of paper again and puts it in her own school bag. "I will destroy this as soon as I can." She tells Naegi seriously. It's just two names without any context, but it's best to be sure.

"Thanks!"

"I should be the one saying it. You didn't have to do any of that."

Naegi smiles. "Well, we're friends. Right?"

Mukuro tries to at least come as close to smiling as possible too, but doesn't quite manage. Sayaka is the only one she is comfortable smiling at for now. "Yes." She says, and means it. She opens her mouth to bring up the lunch thing, but then closes it. She can't bring herself to go through with Step Three right now. Instead of asking him not to join Sayaka and her for lunch, she adds: "You're a good friend."

"I didn't do that much... Kirigiri-san is the one you should thank." Naegi says, his cheeks tinging pink in embarrassment.

Mukuro considers it, then takes the piece of paper out of her school bag again. She won't diminish his efforts, but he has a point. There's no reason to waste any time; she stands up, turns away from a surprised Naegi, and walks over to Kirigiri's seat. "Good morning, Kirigiri-san." She says to the girl.

Kirigiri looks up without a trace of surprise, though it's not like Mukuro expected any, and greets her in a mild tone. "Good morning, Ikusaba-san."

"Thank you for the information. I'm in your debt. That's all I wanted to say." Mukuro says, holding up the folded piece of paper for emphasis.

Kirigiri's blank expression softens a little, but it could be her imagination too. "I'll be sure to keep that in mind if I need a favor. In any case, you're welcome."

Mukuro nods, then walks back to her seat. That went well... maybe somewhat awkward, but she can't complain.

"It was nice of you to do that, but uh..." Naegi doesn't seem to know what he should say, but finally settles on: "I could have told her you say thanks without revealing who you are. I thought you didn't want anyone to know."

"You wouldn't ask her to begin with if you didn't trust her." Mukuro notes. "I've already trusted you enough to tell you, so I am trusting your judgement as well." Yes, thinking on it more she didn't just ask Naegi because he had been trying to speak to her a few times before. If it had been, for example, Oowada or Yamada in the same position she definitely wouldn't have tried telling either of them. She supposes Naegi just kind of radiates trustworthiness, like someone who will listen to you and try to help you even if he doesn't entirely understand your problems. He might be rubbish as the Ultimate Lucky Student, but he's a good contender for the Ultimate Listener.

Naegi laughs a little, scratching his cheek for the third time as of yet. "I'm flattered you trust me, so I can't complain." She will only trust so far, but -- even though it's not personal -- doesn't want to correct him.

Class starts soon, but Mukuro has her mind somewhere else. She knows who to speak to now, but how will she speak to two people she doesn't know? Junko might be a solution, she knows a lot of people in this school. It wouldn't be strange if she knew those two from the 77th class as well. Bothering her sister again with something leaves a bad taste in Mukuro's mouth, but she doesn't have any other options she can think of. She supposes approaching them by herself is an option, though it is one she really wants to avoid. And wasn't Junko interested in her romantic orientation too? Maybe she wouldn't even mind helping. Yes, it appears that Junko is her best bet for this. Discussing the matter with her before leaving with Sayaka and Naegi for lunch break seems like the best course of action. Far from ideal, but she supposes there is no point in worrying now.

Stiffling a frustrated sigh, Mukuro forces herself to focus on class.

 

-

 

As soon as the bell for lunch break rings, or maybe it just feels that way, Sayaka is at her table. "Ready to go?" She asks.

Mukuro attempts an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, Sayaka-san. There is something I have to ask Junko-chan first. Do you mind waiting on the roof with Naegi-kun for a minute?"

"I don't mind!" Sayaka chirps, then looks at the boy sitting next to Mukuro with a smile on her face. "Naegi-kun is joining us today?"

Suddenly Mukuro regrets having felt too bad to ask him not to join them earlier, but it's too late now. However, Naegi lets out a groan that probably wouldn't get him into the drama club anytime soon and gives an excuse. "I totally forgot I already promised Kuwata-kun that I'd have lunch with him. I'm so sorry!"

Sayaka doesn't look particularly upset about this new development. "Don't worry about it! It's not like you promised either of us you'd eat lunch with us. Right, Mukuro-san?"

"Right. It's not an issue." Mukuro agrees, now feeling regret at having felt regret just now. Naegi really is a good friend. She wonders if Sayaka noticed the blatantly obvious act, which is likely, and what she'd make of it.

Sayaka turns back to her. "Then I'll see you on the roof. Don't worry, I'll get us the best bench in the entire school!"

"I'm looking forward to it." Mukuro waves her off, and as soon as Sayaka has left the room she glances at Naegi. "You didn't have to do that." She tells him again.

"It's your first lunch together with Maizono-san," Naegi says, a small smile on his face. "I wouldn't want to intrude."

"I'm grateful. If you ever need a favor, feel free to ask." Mukuro says.

"We're friends, Ikusaba-san! I'm just happy to help." Naegi fires back, sounding oddly resolute about the whole thing.

"Alright." Mukuro concedes. She isn't done yet though. "So since we're friends, it's okay for you to ask me for help anytime. Because friends help each other. Does that sound correct?"

Naegi laughs briefly, then says: "Yeah, that sounds fine. Enjoy your lunch with Maizono-san!"

Mukuro nods. She has to talk to someone first though, so she walks towards Junko's seat.

Her sister is lounging on her chair with her eyes closed, not even making any move to get up and pack her things. "This was so boring." Junko says as soon as Mukuro has opened her own mouth. Sometimes it feels like she has a sixth sense for that. "I think this class was so boring that I died yesterday and now I'm in hell."

"It would be literature class if it was hell." Mukuro says, completely serious. This gets a short snicker out of Junko that isn't at her expense, an act so rare that Mukuro feels delighted whenever it happens. Which isn't often. Wetting her lips, she makes her request. "Hey, Junko-chan. Can we talk somewhere private, please? I need to ask you something."

Junko opens one of her eyes, glinting at her with open curiosity. "Is it about the piece of paper that loser gave you?" She asks. Mukuro nods. Junko sighs. "Let's go to the bathroom."

Junko strolls through the school's hallway like she owns the place, Mukuro following behind her like a bodyguard. The bathroom is luckily empty, though if it wasn't Junko would just make them leave the room somehow. Her sister leans against one of the stalls, crossing her arms in front of her chest and raising an eyebrow at her in an exaggerated manner.

Mukuro takes the piece of paper Kirigiri scribbled on out. "These two people might be able to help me figure out my romantic orientation." She tells Junko, handing her the note. "Do you think you could maybe arrange a meeting? Please, Junko-chan. I really want to figure this out."

Junko looks at the two names, and Mukuro isn't sure whether she likes the slowly forming grin on her sister's face or not. "Sure. Expect them by your room before you're gonna talk to Sayaka-chan. You two always talk in her room after classes are over, right?"

Mukuro blinks. "Yes, that's right. Um-"

"Great! I'm sure she can wait half an hour for you. I'll explain everything to them!" Junko says cheerfully. "Don't keep Sayaka-chan waiting now. I'll deal with it! Go on!"

"U-Um." Mukuro can barely process what is happening. "Thank you, Junko-chan...?"

Junko rolls her eyes. "Yeah, I know I'm amazing and all. Stop wasting time already! Go to your girlfriend. Shoo!"

Sputtering another few words of gratitude, Mukuro stumbles out of the bathroom in a state than can only be described as utter confusion. She isn't sure what's happened just now... but it was good, right? She doesn't want to make Sayaka wait, but being able to talk to those two so soon is a good opportunity. Then why doesn't it feel like a good thing?

Shaking her head to get rid of unnecessary thoughts, Mukuro climbs the stairs up to the roof.

Mukuro gets a sinking feeling in her chest when she sees Sayaka, already holding her food, frowning at her, though it turns to relief once she realizes it's a playful one. "I'm sorry for being late, Sayaka-san." She tells the girl. In all honesty, she expected to be much later than this. Her conversation with Junko hasn't even taken a minute.

"It's really rude to keep a girl waiting, Mukuro-san... but I'll forgive you if you let me have some of your lunch."

Sitting down next to Sayaka, not the bench from yesterday although still nice, Mukuro takes out her own lunch. She decides to bring the most important thing up first. "I'm so sorry to ask this, but would you mind if we had our conversation an hour later like when I had detention? I need to talk to someone." It probably won't take that long, but it's best to make sure.

"That's fine. Guess I'll just do my homework again early!" Sayaka chirps, and despite her not looking bothered at all, Mukuro feels bad. "I'm gonna take even more of your lunch in return though!"

Mukuro is all too happy to push her negative thoughts aside in favor of talking to Sayaka. "Are you sure? You don't even know what my lunch is." She takes a look at the thing in the idol's right hand. "What is that you're eating?"

"This," Sayaka holds up her bread thing like a proud mother might hold up her newborn. "Is avocado toast with fried egg." She takes a bite, then drinks from a bottle that looks like flavored water.

"I've never heard of that combination." Mukuro says. It doesnt sound very appealing. Her own lunch consists of a large rectangle plastic container filled with chicken fried rice and half a dozen energy bars. She's very skilled at eating with chopsticks, and biting into energy bars doesn't get messy. It's unlikely she'll look disgusting eating either.

"Wow." Sayaka looks at her lunch in awe. "That's a lot, Mukuro-san! I guess it makes sense. Being the Ultimate Soldier means you probably need a lot of energy. And soldiers need to work out and stuff, so they burn a lot of calories too."

"You're right about that." Mukuro says. It hasn't occured to her that the size of her lunch might become a subject of mockery, so she's glad Sayaka isn't doing that. "You're dancing and moving around a lot on stage though. Doesn't that burn a lot of calories too?"

"It does. And that's why a lot of idols have bad health and faint sometimes." Sayaka says, her tone changing from cheerful to somber in an instant. "Having a normal body mass index is considered as overweight. I love being an idol, but some parts of it... they're horrible. One time I was _strongly encouraged_ not to eat three days a week." Sayaka laughs suddenly, it's as if she is interrupting herself, but it sounds strained. "Sorry for complaining, Mukuro-san. It's not a very nice thing to talk about."

"It's alright." Mukuro rushes to assure her. "It sounds terrible, Sayaka-san. I had no idea." It's not like she isn't familiar with how damaging and strict the idol industry is -- and she's looked up quite a bit about it ever since knowing the Ultimate Idol as well. Her admittedly meager research hasn't covered the sheer extent of it though. She takes half of her energy bars and puts them close to Sayaka on the bench. "Please take some of my energy bars. And, um..." She holds up her plastic container. "Try some of the chicken fried rice too."

Sayaka giggles. "You're kind, Mukuro-san. These days I can eat whatever I want most of the time though. I still can't gorge myself on cake, but I'm not starving or anything." She smirks, and Mukuro is surprised how boastful the next part sounds. "You can't really tell the Ultimate Idol what to do. My manager can't afford to lose me, so nowadays he can't force me to do anything I don't want to do. The same goes for the other girls, I told him if he pulls any of that starving nonsense on them I'll make sure he regrets it."

Mukuro smirks at that as well. "That's amazing, Sayaka-san." She compliments, and feels an odd sense of pride for Sayaka even though it's really not her place to feel pride for the other girl's accomplishments. Maybe it's just admiration. She feels the need to add something else. "My offer to shoot your manager still stands."

"I might just take you up on that one day." Sayaka says almost wistfully. "Anyway, thanks! I'll take one of those!" She takes one of the energy bars and stuffs it in her blazer's pocket.

"Feel free to take all of them." Mukuro suggests. She believes Sayaka on not having to starve herself anymore, but can't help but be a little worried. "Just in case."

"Oh, it's alright!" Sayaka dismisses with a wave of her left hand. "I'm mostly taking one, because I want to know what your lunch tastes like."

"Still, if you don't mind-"

"I'm not a child who needs looking after!" Sayaka snaps, causing Mukuro to flinch back, and a split second later the idol's eyes widen. "Gosh, I- I'm sorry, Mukuro-san. I didn't mean to lash out at you."

"N-No, I'm the one who should apologize. I shouldn't have been condescending." Mukuro says quietly, staring at her lap in shame.

"You were just worried! I shouldn't have reacted that strongly."

"I shouldn't have treated you like you need someone to make sure you eat. It was rude and unacceptable..."

"Look," Sayaka says, somehow sounding both forceful and gentle at the same time. "I hate when I think someone is talking like they know better than me, so I overreact sometimes. It's not your fault. I should've just explained it to you calmly instead of snapping. I'm really sorry."

Mukuro dares to slowly look up and into Sayaka's face again. "I didn't mean to imply I know better, I was just worried. I'm sorry too."

"It's okay. I should've realized you didn't mean it like that." Sayaka sighs. "I was just a bit annoyed to begin with, since we've talked about all that idol business. A lot of people there constantly tell us what to do. I hate it."

Sayaka's words remind Mukuro of what they discussed during their first real conversation together. "Back then," she begins uncertainly. "When I said that most teenagers probably need someone to reign them in... were you annoyed with me?"

Sayaka looks surprised at the question, but then smiles slightly. "Kind of," she admits. "But I realized you were right. A lot of us do need that. It's the way they do it, and how they think they just _always_ know better, you know? I really hate that. And since I'm a girl, they think I know even less than if I was a boy. It must've been even worse for you, being a girl who's also a soldier."

Mukuro nods. Men looking down on women is something she is familiar with, especially because of her time in Fenrir. Not that it had taken them very long to understand that expressing such sentiments to her directly wasn't a good idea. She had been too disciplined to punish them for their stupidity immediately of course, but the ones prone to making the comments were also prone to receiving more bruises during sparring sessions than others. She isn't sure how to put all of this though, so she settles for something simple. "Most of my superiors were smart enough to know better. A lot of the others weren't. I proved them wrong."

"I bet you did." Sayaka says, grinning. "Did you beat them up?"

"Yes." Well, more or less. Sparring doesn't technically count, but it's accurate enough.

"That's awesome!" Sayaka cheers. "Sorry, Mukuro-san. I guess I should say violence is bad no matter what? If any of my fans heard me approving of that, they'd be so disappointed in me." She laughs at the thought. "But to be honest, I've often thought about beating certain people up. I'd probably feel bad after doing it though."

Violence being bad no matter what is a train of thought that feels incredibly alienating to Mukuro. Violence is a big part of her life after all... but it's not Sayaka's fault for not knowing that, so she can't get upset. Fighting down the urge to argue, Mukuro instead brings up an idea. "I can teach you how to fight if you want." Noticing how this might sound, she quickly adds: "For self-defense, I mean. Although I wouldn't judge you for beating anyone up." Not that this is sounding much better...

Sayaka seems to like the suggestion though. "That sounds awesome! I've always wanted to learn how to do that, but always found excuses not to learn."

"I hope I can give you the right motivation then."

" _You're_ the motivation, Mukuro-san." Sayaka winks at her, and she finds herself blushing. Same business as usual, she supposes. "Just draw my manager's face on a punching bag and we'll be set!" She puts her left hand in front of her mouth, probably to mask the smile that's flashed on her face right before. "Gosh, that was a horrible thing to say. Let's just forget I said it." She advises, but doesn't seem terribly bothered either.

For some reason, Sayaka saying things like that makes Mukuro's heart beat faster. She doesn't want to consider how weird that probably is though, so she tries to make a joke. "I can teach you how to shoot too. That doesn't count as beating up." Wait, what did she just say? What kind of an awkward joke...

Sayaka laughs rather shrilly in response, setting Mukuro's worries at ease for now. "That sounds cool, actually! Kind of scary, but cool!"

The thought of watching Sayaka fire a gun is exciting... but she's being weird again, isn't she? Ugh. "Once you've used a firearm, it's really not that scary." Mukuro assures.

"The Ultimate Soldier wouldn't find it scary, but not everyone is as cool as you are." Sayaka counters.

"I'm not cool," Mukuro says, embarrassed. "But you probably have a point. I have a feeling you would get used to guns quickly though."

Sayaka smiles. "I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or not. I'm gonna assume it is."

"It is." Mukuro insists. "And what's more, I bet you would make a good soldier too. You're disciplined, perceptive, and determined."

Sayaka's face has turned crimson somewhere during that sentence. "You're giving me too much credit, Mukuro-san," she denies with an air of humility, but seems really happy with the compliments nonetheless. "I'm glad you think so highly of me though, even if it's _too_ highly."

Mukuro means everything she's said, but doesn't want to argue about it. She looks at the avocado toast that's still in Sayaka's hands and blinks. "Um... we should probably eat our lunch before the break is over."

Sayaka blinks too. "Right! I totally forgot about that. I still want to taste some of your lunch, Mukuro-san! Don't think I've forgotten." At being handed the chopsticks, she shakes her head. "I'm awful with chopsticks, I prefer a fork. Why don't you feed me?" Before Mukuro can even attempt to make a fool out of herself by sputtering or possibly falling off the bench, Sayaka adds: "Just kidding!"

Mukuro supposes she really needs to stop falling for that. She hands the chopsticks to Sayaka, who quickly scoops up some of the chicken fried rice and puts them in her mouth. "Is it good?" She asks. Maybe she should have waited more than one second to ask such a thing, but being teased always makes her feel a little out of it.

Sayaka swallows. "It's great! Did you make it yourself?"

"No, ordered it. I can't really cook." Mukuro admits, taking the chopsticks back. She starts eating too, albeit a lot slower than usually. It feels weird to eat so slowly and also to not take a sip from her protein drink after every bite, but she wants to avoid looking gross no matter what.

"I could teach you! I love cooking." Sayaka says, sounding enthusiastic at the prospect. She'd probably sound less so if she knew how much of a disaster Mukuro is in the kitchen.

Even though she doesn't care for cooking, doing it together with Sayaka seems like a great idea. "I would like that, if you don't mind."

"I'd love to teach you! Hey," Sayaka holds up her nearly finished avocado toast. "Want a taste?"

"Um." Mukuro looks at the green thing with mild disgust. "I'm good, thanks."

Sayaka gapes at her. "I've never been this insulted in my entire life! I'm not sure I want to teach you anymore!"

Mukuro smiles a bit at Sayaka's theatrics. "How about if you ever manage to teach me how to make chicken fried rice by myself, I will eat one of those things in return."

"Deal!" Sayaka shakes her hand for emphasis. "Trust me, you're gonna love it."

"Assuming I'm not too incompetent to learn."

"You're the Ultimate Soldier! Following a recipe isn't that different from following orders, is it?"

Thinking back to the bowls of rice she's burned, Mukuro's face turns grim. "You would be surprised."

They're both startled when the bell rings. It feels like time has passed way too quickly.

"Let's have lunch together again on Monday!" Sayaka suggests. "To be honest, I'd rather have lunch with you tomorrow, but I can't play favorites. Aoi-chan would be jealous if she knew you were my favorite!" She winks.

"You don't need to explain yourself." Mukuro mutters, a searing heat spreading across her face. "Monday sounds great."

Walking down the stairs to the classroom with Sayaka by her side, Mukuro feels this lunch break has been a success. It went much better than she expected, really. They've even made vague plans for the future together. Not dates or anything, but still. When has she ever made plans with anyone before? Junko doesn't make plans with her, she just decides on an activity and drags her along whether she wants to or not. Not that Mukuro is complaining or anything, since she enjoys spending time with her sister on principle... not that it happens all that often. However, it feels kind of nice discussing future activities. It's almost like she has a choice. She doesn't, not in the end, but the illusion is a nice one.

Mukuro violently shakes her head, getting rid of her annoying thoughts.

 

-

 

It could just be her anxiety, but Mukuro feels like the rest of today's classes pass in a flash. Before she knows it, she's already in her room speaking to the two people Kirigiri picked out.

"Ah... I can't believe the Ultimate Soldier is here to take advice from someone like me. I bet there are so many ways you could kill me if I disappoint you, Ikusaba-san!"

"Wh-What? Ikusaba-san is really going to kill us if we can't help?!"  
  
Mukuro is starting to understand the gleeful look on Junko's face from before. "No, Tsumiki-san. I won't kill anyone," she tells the frightened girl, then looks at the boy. "I'm sure Komaeda-san was just telling a joke." She suggests, but isn't entirely sure if that's the case. In fact, he seemed oddly cheerful about his potential death just now.

Komaeda gives a short, breathless chuckle. "My bad, Tsumiki-san. It's unlikely Ikusaba-san would kill us in her own room."

"O-Oh, so I'm not going to die? Ehehe... thank goodness!" Tsumiki says, though her nervousness doesn't decrease.

Mukuro can tell she is going to have a headache by the time she's done here. "Like I said, Junko-chan told you what this was about, right?"

Tsumiki nods, blushing furiously. "Enoshima-san said you like girls, l-like me. Ah!" She buries her face in her hands. "Your sister is so- she's so kind to me. How can I not help her? And she's so pre-pretty... Ah!" She squeals, her hands muffling the sound.

Mukuro can't even muster up her protective instincts at the blatantly obvious crush on her sister -- this girl couldn't hurt a fly, much less Junko.

"I'm not sure how I could help someone with an amazing talent like you, but the Ultimate Fashionista asked me! I couldn't say no to anyone here!" Komaeda gives that chuckle again, as if he knows what he's saying is embarrassing, but can't help himself. He seems like a weird guy. Not that Tsumiki doesn't seem weird either.

"Alright." Mukuro says. What else is there to say? She decides to ask a question that may be important. "Can I ask how you two found out about your romantic orientation?"

Tsumiki twiddles her thumbs together anxiously. "I-I don't really want to say... it's embarrassing..." She stops, her posture becoming slightly more determined. "B-But Enoshima-san asked me to talk to you and I can't disappoint her."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Mukuro says, frowning. She really doesn't want to wring something like that out of anyone.

"N-No, it's okay... I should be more confident. Th-That's what Enoshima-san always says to me!" Tsumiki assures. Well, Mukuro can't disagree with that notion. "U-Um... so I was always taking care of the other children when they hurt themselves in elementary school. I-I liked it... people are kind to someone who nurses them. Any- Anyway," she flushes red at the seemingly stray thought, and continues. "One time I was tending to a girl's ring finger and after I put the band-aid on it, she... she kissed me on the ch-cheek." Tsumiki buries her face in her hands again in embarrassment. "I-I was so happy... and... and that's how I knew."

Feeling a surprising amount of sympathy for the girl, Mukuro decides to compliment her. "That is a nice story, Tsumiki-san. Thank you for sharing it."

"That's right!" Komaeda agrees enthusiastically, making up for the blandness in her own voice. "It's such a beautiful story, Tsumiki-san. Realizing your love for other girls through your talent. It's truly amazing!"

"Ehehe..." Despite her obvious embarrassment, Tsumiki laughs in delight. "Thank you, Ikusaba-san. And Komaeda-san."

Mukuro turns to the boy. "What about you, Komaeda-san. Do you mind telling your story?"

Komaeda smiles thinly. "I don't think this pathetic story can help anyone, Ikusaba-san. But if you want to hear it, who am I to deny you?"

"You have every right to deny my request." Mukuro says. "And I'm sure it's not as pathetic as you think."

"Well, I've warned you! Hmm..." Komaeda visibly concentrates, then begins speaking. "There was a boy in my old high school who always made an effort to talk to me. I'm not sure why, because everyone else always thought I was weird." He laughs at that, but his mind is clearly somewhere else. "We became friends. Long story short, we also became boyfriends after a while. He told me I was pretty." Once again, Komaeda laughs. "Can you believe that? I was surprised he felt that way, but then I realized I've been thinking about him all the time. I told him I didn't know if I liked boys, and that I'd never liked a girl that way either, but I was willing to try. At first we just held hands." He smiles fondly and his voice gets lower, now lost in his memories. "It felt nice. I would always get this strange sensation in my hand afterwards, like it was tingling. Then one day, we kissed. It felt nice..." Komaeda blinks suddenly, seemingly collecting his thoughts. "I guess that's my story. Sorry, I know it's kind of bad."

Definitely not having expected anything like what she just heard, Mukuro quickly tries to assure him. "That wasn't bad at all, Komaeda-san. Thank you for sharing it."

Tsumiki nods with vigor. "Y-Yes, Komaeda-san! It's a great story!"

"If you don't mind me asking, but are you two still involved with each other?" Mukuro asks the boy, not being able to help her curiosity. When Komaeda's face darkens -- just a tiny bit, but it's more than enough for Mukuro -- she corrects herself. "I'm sorry, Komaeda-san. I shouldn't have asked such a private question."

"I don't mind!" It's such an obvious lie that Mukuro has to repeat herself.

"I'm serious. You really don't have to answer it."

"It's fine! No, we aren't together anymore. As a matter of fact," he smiles in that thin way again, and Mukuro knows what she's about to hear will not be pleasant in the least. "I almost killed him." The following silence seems to encourage him to continue. "I kept telling him about how sometimes I would get really bad luck to balance out my good luck and told him he might be in danger, but he wouldn't listen. I was selfish, so I thought it'd be okay too. That my good luck was strong enough to protect him. And when I visited him in the hospital after the accident," Komaeda's smile gets wider. "He didn't hate me even though it was my fault, my selfishness. He said it didn't matter to him. That he still loved me. I never visited him again after that, and changed schools too."

"O-Oh, Komaeda-san..." Tsumiki whispers, reaching out to touch his shoulder with a very shaky hand. "I'm so sorry..."

Mukuro feels cold. "You didn't mean for that to happen, Komaeda-san." She tells him, but... She believes he didn't, but... but...

But she realizes she feels utter contempt for the boy.

"Ah, I'm so lucky to get the sympathy of two talented people such as you!" Komaeda says cheerfully... although is he, really? "But it's fine. Hope's Peak Academy invited me because of the very same talent that caused it, so even though it's worthless when compared to your talents there's no way I can hate it."

"Are you trying to convince us or yourself, Komaeda-san?" The question leaves Mukuro's mouth before she can stop it, though she isn't even really talking to him.

The boy looks at her. For a second his forced cheer is gone from his face, but then he smiles again. "I'm sorry my story couldn't help, Ikusaba-san."

"Not every story about this subject is going to be happy. You have nothing to apologize for." Mukuro says, but she can only faintly hear the sound of her own voice.

No... it's pointless to hate that boy. Does she really have a right to do that? She has no idea what he has been through. And... and also...

No.

Mukuro closes her eyes and represses those thoughts with all her might. Apart from killing others, it is the only thing she is good at.

"It- It's not your fault, Komaeda-san." Tsumiki says once Mukuro's thoughts have come to an end, still touching his shoulder in that incredibly awkward way of hers. "You... you can't do anything about bad luck. It's how you were born."

"You're so kind to say such a thing to me, Tsumiki-san! But it's my fault for getting close to another person even though I knew about-"

"Y-You're wrong!" Tsumiki interrupts him with a yell, or at least it's a yell by her standards. "There is nothing bad about being in love, and... and are you supposed to be alone for the rest of your life because of something you have no control over? Th-That's not fair...!"

Komaeda sighs. "Sometimes life just _is_ unfair and there is nothing we can do to change it."

"I don't care... i-if your boyfriend gets injured, I can just treat him!"

"I don't think that's-"

"N-No buts! I will! Because..." Tsumiki twiddles her thumbs, staring at the floor. She looks close to tears, and Mukuro isn't sure whether it's the stress of being so assertive or Komaeda's story. "We're classmates, and I'm the... I'm the Ultimate Nurse. So it's fine!"

"To have such a dedicated classmate... I'm so lucky!"

Mukuro, who has been watching this bizarre but also strangely nice scene with a mix between confusion and slight interest, tries a different method. "Maybe the solution is for you to date someone who is also lucky, Komaeda-san. To possibly cancel the bad luck out when it comes to them, at least." She thinks for a second. There is still contempt for the boy, but he _is_ trying to help her. "The Ultimate Gambler is in my class. That's a girl though, so I'm just using her as an example."

"Even Ikusaba-san is trying to help a piece of trash like me... I can't believe how lucky I am!"

"You... You're not trash, Komaeda-san..." Tsumiki interjects weakly. "You're always kind to everyone, even to me. A-And you speak so highly of my talent..."

"You've taken time out of your day to help me with my own problems, told us something that was obviously hard on you, and you have been spending this entire conversation complimenting both Tsumiki-san and me. That doesn't sound like a piece of trash to me." Mukuro points out, fully aware of how flawed her logic is, but at this rate they won't get back to their original topic anytime soon. Besides, he really doesn't seem that bad, despite her dislike of him. He's kind of annoying and weird, but she also feels kind of... sorry for him. At least he seems to have a good excuse to be the way he is.

"Y-Yes!" Tsumiki agrees. "Any boy would be luck- lucky to have you, Komaeda-san. A-All your words of praise would make them feel really good and loved!"

"I'm not so sure about that," he says, chuckling under his breath. "But I'm sure being cared for by the Ultimate Nurse would make any girl feel even better than that!" Komaeda shoots back.

"Ehehe... you're lying..." Tsumiki giggles happily to herself, obviously wanting to believe it either way. Mukuro feels she has to say something too.

"It's true. To use an example; for someone with a talent like mine, the Ultimate Nurse would be a good girlfriend to have." Noticing how clinical that sounds, Mukuro adds: "You obviously care about others. And you're pretty. Most people think these are appealing qualities." Alright, maybe she's still sounding a tad clinical, and the pretty part felt incredibly weird to say for her, but it's the best she can do right now.

Tsumiki's face has turned beet red though, so it looks like Mukuro's best was pretty adequate. "You- You're so kind, Ikusaba-san..."

Idly wondering when this entire conversation has turned into trying to make her guests feel better, Mukuro makes an attempt at reviving the original topic. "Weren't you two confused when you had feelings for someone with the same gender though? How did you deal with it?"

"I-I thought that girls are supposed to like boys and not other girls, but people... they already called me a fr-freak all the time. S-So I thought it'd be only natural for me to be like that in every aspect. I-I guess that's why it didn't bother me much..." Tsumiki answers, and oddly enough she doesn't look that uncomfortable talking about it despite the stuttering. Maybe it's a case of time healing all wounds.

"It's similiar for me!" Komaeda pipes up. "And I never thought I would date anyone to begin with, so who I liked didn't really matter much to me."

Mukuro frowns. Well, she should have expected that both answers would be kind of depressing. "How did you two realize you only liked your own gender exclusively?"

"There hasn't really been a realization for me," Komaeda says, looking apologetic. "I've only ever found other boys appealing. I guess it's possible I might find some girl appealing in the future, but I doubt that. I feel kind of bad about it, really." There's something flashing in his eyes, and Mukuro suspects he's about to be weird again. "There are so many wonderful, talented girls in this academy! That I wouldn't be interested in any is almost tantamount to blasphemy, isn't it?! I only hope you can forgive how close minded I am!"

Taking no satisfaction in being correct, Mukuro counters: "Don't be ridiculous, Komaeda-san. You can't control who you're attracted to, nor should you force yourself if you were able to."

"Th-That's right! I think Komaeda-san is wonderful too, but- but I wouldn't ever want to date him." Tsumiki squeaks. "Oh no, that sounds so rude! I-I didn't mean it in a bad way, Komaeda-san. Please- Please forgive me! I just don't like boys in that way!"

"How did you realize you don't like boys?" Mukuro asks, interrupting what is sure to turn into another session of mutual compliments between those two.

"W-Well... I get a lot of crushes on girls, b-but never on boys. I tried imagining myself with boys sometimes, but I didn't like it."

Mukuro considers that. She thinks about holding hands with Sayaka, and has to suppress a smile. She feels something warm inside herself at the thought as well. Then she thinks about holding hands with Naegi... but there isn't really anything she feels, just a bit of mild discomfort. How much does that prove though? Sayaka and Naegi are just one girl and one boy respectively. She tells her guests about her lack of conclusion, though obviously leaves her friends' names out of it.

"Maybe you could try thinking in that context about a girl and a boy you don't know as well?" Komaeda suggests. The idea has merit.

Mukuro considers two classmates she neither likes nor dislikes. She thinks about holding hands with Kirigiri. It's a weird thought, and she almost feels a little guilty for involving her, but it's not actually unpleasant. Then she thinks about holding hands with Kuwata. The thought irritates her though. She tries Oowada. Irritation. Ishimaru. Severe irritation. Yamada- _no_ , definitely not. Togami and Hagakure aren't even worth thinking of. She tries another girl. Asahina. Again, it feels strange, but the thought doesn't annoy her. The conclusion seems obvious.

"Well." Mukuro says, blinking. "I think I am a lesbian." It neither makes her feel good nor bad, really, but there is some satisfaction in realizing. It's probably strange of her to feel so underwhelmed.

"That's great!" Tsumiki squeaks happily, but that immediately turns to terror. "I-I hope it's great! I'm so sorry if it isn't!"

"It's fine." Mukuro assures. "I'm glad I know, and I don't feel bad because of it. I just thought I might feel a little more happy." She wonders how true the comment she has made just now actually is. What _has_ she been expecting? Anything at all? Mostly she just wanted to know, she supposes.

"It's possible you're under shock." Komaeda suggests. "Or you're just not feeling that strongly about it. Tsumiki-san and I haven't felt that strongly about it either."

"The latter, I suppose." Mukuro says. "Even so, I want to thank you both for helping me. At least now I know."

"You're welcome. And- and good luck with your girl!" Tsumiki half says, half shouts.

"It's another Ultimate, isn't it?" Komaeda asks. "Just imagining what your combined talent might be like in a relationship... it would be amazing!"

"Thank you." Mukuro tells them, though she's adressing Tsumiki more than Komaeda. "I'm sorry for keeping you. I'm sure you have better things to do." She doesn't want to be rude to the people who have just spent their free time helping her, but she really needs to be alone to think right now.

"Helping out an Ultimate Student is the most valuable way I could ever spend my time!" Komaeda insists. "I'm so glad my pathetic advice helped you!"

"I'm- I'm glad too!" Tsumiki almost shrieks.

"Hey, Tsumiki-san," Mukuro says suddenly. "Don't take this the wrong way, but... stay away from my sister, please." She doesn't understand why she's saying this, the nurse is utterly unthreatening.

Tsumiki looks like she's about to faint. "Wh-What? I don't- I mean, I wouldn't... th-there's no way she'd look at me..."

"I'm saying this," Mukuro begins, still so very confused with herself. She even kind of... likes Tsumiki. So that's more reason not to threaten her. "Because she could definitely fall for you." Why is she lying? "I'm... sorry. I'm sure you would make an excellent girlfriend, it's just that I'm overprotective of her. She's my baby sister."

"That's... that's fine?" Tsumiki stammers, blushing furiously. "I wouldn't- I wouldn't e-ever think of asking Enoshima-san out... s-so don't worry. You really think she- she would..."

"I'm sorry for asking that. Thank you." Mukuro interrupts, feeling incredibly awkward.

Tsumiki fidgets uncomfortably, but seems strangely happy at the same time. "We- we'll get out of your hair now! R-Right, Komaeda-san?"

Komaeda opens his mouth again, and once he starts babbling Mukuro supposes she shouldn't be surprised he didn't get the message.

 

-

 

Mukuro lets out a sigh after she closes the door behind these two. It's taken a bit more time to get them out of her room, though not that long. She could have just told Komaeda to get out, but ... he did help her, she reminds herself once again. And she didn't want to be that rude in front of Tsumiki, the girl might get a heart attack.

She finds herself thinking back to her words to Tsumiki. It was odd of her to make a request like that. It's true she'd kill anyone who hurt Junko, but that girl really doesn't seem like someone who would intentionally hurt her sister. She isn't sure anyone is even capable of it either, but that's beside the point. In fact, Tsumiki Mikan is someone she'd gladly see date her sister. She seems kind and would be great in a medical emergency. That is, she'd be glad to see them date if... if Junko wasn't...

She shakes her head furiously.

Biting her lip, she takes a look at her phone. Still more than half an hour until her conversation with Sayaka. She lets herself fall on her bed.

She doesn't feel like doing her homework now. She doesn't think she's able to do anything right now. Her head is throbbing, thinking back to Komaeda's story.

"You didn't want it to happen." Mukuro whispers to herself. She feels cold like before, and now that she is by herself she hates Komaeda Nagito more than she has ever hated anyone in her life. "You knew something bad was going to happen, but you couldn't help it. You just hoped everything would turn out alright. You didn't want to think about it, so you ignored it. Even though you knew. Because it was the first time someone loved you. It was like you really had a place in the world for once. That's why- why you..." She trails off.

No... she... she is wrong. Luck is unpredictable, so his boyfriend wasn't going to get hurt for sure. And there was the possibility that his luck would extend to his boyfriend as well. No one can expect him to be alone for something that isn't certain, something that isn't even his fault. It's not... it's not like he knew it would be inevitable and did it anyway. No, that would make someone an awful person. No doubt. And...

And...

And Mukuro realizes it is not Komaeda she hates.

She sits up, and walks to her dorm room's door. She can't be alone right now. She can't be alone with her thoughts. She can't suppress them right now. She needs... she needs Sayaka.

She _(traitor)_ walks through the hallway briskly, almost running. She _(murderer)_ feels relief flooding her as soon as she _(liar)_ sees Sayaka's door. She _(scum)_ raises her hand to ring the doorbell, but...

_"You're so hopelessly, utterly, totally, absolutely, STUPID!"_

But her hand isn't moving.

She grabs her right hand to stop it from shaking, wants to guide it to the doorbell. Before she can ring it, she whirls around and walks back to her room, violently pressing her right hand to her chest all the while.

As soon as she closes the door behind her, Mukuro collapses to her knees. She takes out her phone and writes.

 **Mukuro:** I'm sorry, but something came up. We won't be able to talk today.

She drops her phone, not caring whether it breaks or not. "I will kill him." She tells herself, and she faintly realizes she's grinning viciously. "I will definitely kill him. I will..." Her hands reach up and start pulling on her hair. She is barely aware of it. This is all Komaeda's fault. It is. If he didn't tell her this stupid story... if he didn't...

But... if he didn't, then what? Lying to herself for a while longer? She hears Junko's words in her head again.

_"You want more time playing pretend with Sayaka-chan? Go ahead! I won't stop you."_

"No." Mukuro says, ignoring how her phone buzzed just now. "I'm not pretending, it's not... it's not pretending. I just- I just want to... to..."

To what? Lie more?

"No!" Mukuro screams. "It's not- I don't mean to- to...!"

But she is. Planning activities with Sayaka... having fun eating lunch together... talking idly about things with her... what a joke.

"My feelings are real. They're real. Real, real, real, real." Mukuro whispers. "I love Sayaka."

Does it matter? How much of a consolation would that be if Sayaka's lifeless eyes were looking at her, whether from murder or execution?

"No..." Mukuro chokes, feeling something hot prickling in her eyes. "No... I won't... I won't let that happen."

Despite her words, she realizes that... yes. She _would_. She would let it happen. Because Junko would want it to happen. And defying her sister is unthinkable, impossible.

So... then why does it matter what happens to Sayaka? How can she even entertain the idea of some stupid crush being as important as her sister?

"She is important." Mukuro sobs. "Shut up, shut up, shut up."

As important as Junko?

"No..."

Would she ever even _consider_ betraying her sister for anything?

"No."

And... and maybe...

Maybe it shouldn't be considered that bad? Being friends with Sayaka... despite Junko's plans. She could- she could at least make sure Sayaka is happy until everything is going to happen... and... and maybe even teach her how to have a better chance of surviving. It would make things more interesting for her sister, so that's not a betrayal.

That... that sounds reasonable, right?

The phone buzzes again, and she looks at the two messages Sayaka sent her.

 **Sayaka-chan:** no problem at all mukuro-san! im gonna keep today's juice in my fridge. we can drink it next time. did i ever mention how cool it is that we have fridges by the way? its cool!

 **Sayaka-chan:** by the way im definitely not gonna tell you what the flavor is! so dont even ask!  >:)

It's just two innocuous messages, but Mukuro suddenly feels like crying again. And... she realizes she's forgotten something else today. Shakily, she types a message herself. It takes her nearly five minutes to send it, since she had to correct several mistakes she has made due to her trembling hands.

 **Mukuro:** I forgot to tell you this, but I really love your music. I'm listening to 'Wish Ensemble' all of the time, but your other songs are nice too. You have a great voice, Sayaka-san. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.

She gets a message back immediately.

 **Sayaka-chan:** :D

Then another, shortly after.

 **Sayaka-chan:** im so glad you like it! youve made my day just now mukuro-chan

Despite the tears running down her face, Mukuro smiles. Two other messages follow.

 **Sayaka-chan:**  calling you that was your reward for liking my music by the way!!!

 **Sayaka-chan:** i lied it just slipped out. hope that doesnt bother you!!! D:

Mukuro laughs briefly. She types out her response.

 **Mukuro:** No, not at all. It made me happy.

The response comes right away.

 **Sayaka-chan:** :D

Mukuro wipes her tears away. Who is she kidding? She can't... she simply can't give this up. Can't give up this feeling of elation, so unlike anything she has ever felt before.

What does feeling guilt matter? What does feeling regret matter? It's so pointless.

Even if she didn't deceive Sayaka, the girl would despise her. She's already murdered countless people, committed unspeakable atrocities... and she never cared. She _still_ doesn't care, not beyond what Sayaka would think of her.

That's why... feeling guilt is pointless. She's already doomed herself with her actions. The only one truly on her side is Junko.

"I'm Ultimate Despair." Mukuro tells herself quietly.

She's already been betraying Sayaka since the moment they have first spoken to each other. So... what does anything matter?

The phone buzzes again, and suddenly she feels a flash of anger at the other girl. Why can't Sayaka just leave her alone...? She looks at her phone, and her anger turns to panic.

 **Sayaka-chan:** by the way junko-chan told me we're going to the mall tomorrow! im looking forward to it  <3

No... no, no, _no_. Not so soon. She can't deal with this, there's no way she can... but...

But. If it was all pointless, why would this matter? Mukuro feels numb as she types out her lie.

 **Mukuro:** I'm looking forward to it.

She stands up, walks to her desk, and puts her phone in one of the drawers. Then she walks to her bed and curls up under her blanket.

"Stupid, useless Mukuro." Self-loathing spreads through her, and she repeats the words again. Repeats it until she stumbles over her words and it sounds like incoherent babbling.

Her phone buzzes again, muffled, and Mukuro's fingernails dig into her head. She starts talking more loudly.

Not long afterwards she can feel blood running down her face.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for making you suffer, Mukuro...
> 
> I considered tagging this with the names of the SDR2 characters and the thing itself, but they won't have any other big appearances most likely. Plus I kind of wanted them to be a surprise.
> 
> Also Mukuro is too cool to call anyone senpai. The actual explanation is that the word kind of bothered me here for no particular reason, so I decided not to include it. I'm weird. Let's just pretend Mukuro is too cool and neither of them cared!


End file.
